7/18/26
Good Day Beautiful/Handsome Hearted Being –
Have your ever noticed when we sincerely ask God into a situation we’d like to resolve, He can take it much more seriously than we thought was necessary, and delves deeper into an issue we’d hoped would be bit more superficial?
During and after the last post I knew God was doing what I’d asked: Setting me free from the bondage of anger and unforgiveness. For a time after the initial lesson I was gaining the ability to soar in the faith and peace that stems from knowing my healing and value are rooted in the steadfastness of God.
Then He decided it was time to poke deeper into the pain . . . yowza!
The soaring began to descend. In an effort to stop it I started doing something that always helps: Listening to positive talks and songs, some of them on repeat for hours at a time and throughout the night. This keeps me focused on the goodness of God and most people, while keeping the psyche from slipping back into the bitterness and darkness it’s escaping from.
While beginning to pull out of the nose dive I included looking up a few older fb videos that mean something to me, including one from earlier in the year that had a second one attached that I hadn’t noticed before. The two of those together evoked hope and comfort so I listened to ‘em quite a few times over the course of several days. Since the original video is on a public social media feed I had figured the hits it received from listening to it would be a positive and didn’t think I was harming anyone. But then the initial video was muted. Thought it was a glitch, went back a few times to see if it was fixed and now the video is no longer viewable to me.
The shame and self condemning thoughts this ignited were propaganda-ed by a cluster of memories that were about to be unleashed from the subconscious, which was what was causing the original descent to begin with:
*Possible trigger alert*
The memories all had the same theme and took place in different situations. They were from childhood and of being strangled by a male sibling. An added ‘bonus’ (choke) to the torture were the self-annihilating declarations I was forced to proclaim in order to be allowed to breath again. Those remembrances eventually led to more snippets of being tormented in other ways and having to profess similar b.s..
*Possible triggering description is over*
The memories and rejection were left to fester and continue their preying on my heart and fading confidence while I was tending to, amongst other things: Going for a medical test to diagnose a long standing health issue that was ramping up; trying to support several friends who are having serious medical issues of their own; our Pearl Unchained group hosted a fundraiser, attended several festivals to promote our mission; an event we’d been planning for months was at hand, and raising funds for a second event. I wasn’t sleeping at all; could sense emotions but couldn’t access them; couldn’t write for any reason let alone for a book and a blog, and I began compulsively eating again.
By not dealing with the festering wounds, the shame, pain, grief and self protective anger they evoked were influencing everything I was doing, feeling, and thinking. And to top it all off, I kept telling myself there wasn’t enough time, focus and receptive brain cells to pray and ‘visit with God’; only dabbled in brief moments of gratitude and ‘help me!’s.
But that’s when we need Him the most – when we’re least perfect, most hurting, confused, overwhelmed and/or dealing with physical issues. So it finally occurred to me to make Him a priority again.
In an ironic, or rather ‘God’s-on-it’ sort of way, the ‘issues’ are all pieces of the forgiving puzzle He’s been working with me to put together. It’s not coincidence the situations, memories, ailments and thoughts are amping up after asking God to help me truly forgive all who’ve abused me. (As was written about in the previous post “Forgiving is Possible with Faith”.)
Through a sincere desire to stop this descending spiral by asking God into it, He provided the wisdom and guidance needed, some of it through a good friend. Now the nose dive is leveling off and I’m gaining much better perspectives again.
About the videos: I do believe this is a culmination of a lesson God has been working on for years. Even after talking to a friend who insisted it couldn’t have been personal, which I’m not buying (Sorry M :)), but I also don’t know ‘why’. The healed version of me is ok with not knowing, and their doing what they thought was necessary. Sites usually have multiple administrators so I don’t know who the person was, and it’s not up to us to control what anyone thinks of us nor to understand their motives. Just because a person doesn’t like something we’re doing it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a rejection of self. Even if it is, I’m learning not to hold any ill will towards them, nor myself for not being who others think I should be, which I think is actually at the heart of a lot of rejection issues. We can’t live in peace and joy and accomplish what God asks of us if we’re condemning and twisting ourself into being who we think others want us to be. The inverse is true, too; it’s better if people are respectfully forthright with us if we’ve offended them so none of us ends up being who we aren’t in order to maintain a status quo, or relationship, that’s not based in honesty.
The medical test revealed the source of the breathing, swallowing, talking and sleep difficulties is due to a paralyzed muscle and can be due to ‘prior throat injuries’, like strangulation perhaps? Coupling the diagnosis with the memories exposed a deeper heart lesion that needs to be cured and forgiven in order to be set free from the shame, pain, and anger that can still control me. As the last post mentioned, we can’t truly forgive someone until we know the truth of what they did, and the depth of the wounds and pain they inflicted. But at the right time though, ‘cuz I can assure you, offering mercy to the bro during and right after the recall and diagnosis was not a consideration. At all.
I’m now back to asking God to do for me what is impossible to do on my own with continuing to choose to forgive the bro and all the others, because God asks me to. It’s the only way I’ll be able to treat the good people in my life, including me, the way we deserve to be. Plus, I’m gonna be so grateful to be set free from the ‘bitterness baggage’ that keeps me from soaring to the heights God can take me in love and purpose.
And He can do the same for you if you’d like to fly higher, too. Just ask Him, and be led.
God’s been countering the abuses, rejection, shame and blame in so many beautiful ways. I’ll be writing about them in part 2 of ‘shame, blame, go away; Faith and Grace Reign Today’. Until then, I’m believing for a blessed and if needed, healing time for you, too.
Amen.
“Here comes the Glory” By Nicole and David Binion is the song I’ve been playing the most – up to twelve hours straight at a time. What’s kind funny is, it’s not my style at all, but the message keeps me focused on the promises of God and is helping me believe them in ever deepening ways. Thank You, God.
I do not own the rights to this music and commercial.