Social Cues, Miscues, and Can You Tell Me the Difference???

7/12//22

(Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash)

Hello Worthy Person!

How’s your day going?  What’s one of your blessings of the day so far?  You can share it in the comment section underneath the post if you’d like.

I pray blessings of peace upon you!

Have you always been confident in your ability to ‘play’ (socialize:)) well with others? 

I so frequently question (or, more accurately, obsess about:)) my interactions with people because of the different ‘splinters’.  (A.k.a. dissociated identities; this is explained a bit more under the ‘cast of characters’ tab on the home page.  FYI – on a smart phone the menu is represented by three horizontal lines underneath the Pearl, Unchained logo.)  Each can have their own opinion about what happened, and even react differently in similar situations.  And if more than one splinter is expressing their opposing points of view in my mind in the moment, I’ve been known to just stare into the distance trying to figure out what to listen to, or walk away in confusion.  

There’re also the negative filters in the mind that were created with the abuses that just assume people are ‘dissing’ me in some fashion; later on (when obsessing about it, of course:)) I’ll realize they probably weren’t.

Am also getting more in touch with the previously consciously-unfelt-but-still-driving-me-from-the-subconscious fear and anger that the ‘Michael’ splinter reacts from when he feels out of control in social situations.  (Not proud, just honest.)  

It’s sooo uncomfortable to feel those intense emotions, but as oft repeated here – can’t heal it until I feel it.  I do that by inviting God into the pain and asking the other dissociated parts of my mind to step up to support and help ‘Michael’.  My therapist suggested this, to help the parts come together and integrate.   This two prong approach is working, woo-hoo!

Not to brag (Ahem), but for many of the earlier years I was socially defensive and judgmental.  I can still have a ’sour puss’ (angry expression) at times for no other reason but ‘muscle memory’ from all the years of looking for ways to be offended instead of smiling and being accepting of others.  Been working on changing that attitude (and expression!).  I’m now frequently noticing (and stopping) those automatic thoughts like, “Don’t be stupid; there’s no way that person would be genuinely kind.  They’re going to say or do something nasty when I walk away.” 

Over the years I’ve developed some dysfunctional ways of trying to figure out people’s intentions, like staring at someone way too uncomfortably long while trying to discern if they’re for good or evil.  (Don’t even realize I’m doing it most of the time.)  Apparently that can make the other uncomfortable (Oops – sorry!).  I know why it happens, just don’t always catch myself while doing it, nor figured out how to ‘size someone up’ in a less disconcerting way.

So, can you understand why someone ‘like me’ needs quite a learning curve in order to figure this all out?   It’s one of the reasons why I tell the people that matter about the P.T.S.D. and D.I.D., so they’ll better understand that some of the stuff I’m throwing at them, or ignoring, or forgetting, is probably not about them at all.

I am picking up some better habits, like smiling more, becoming an encourager and letting others know I appreciate them.  They’re just not yet automatic habits (and still don’t always look like I’m trying to be positive with that sour puss:)).  

I keep beating the snot out of myself about whether what I did or said was right for another (and self) but in the moment frequently don’t even know if ‘the other’ is someone I know and therefore would want to do right by.  Does that make sense? 

Maybe it will in the next several paragraphs . . .

Do you ever have someone drive up to or near you, with the windows of the vehicle being darkened, or they’re in the shadows, or it’s nighttime so you can’t see who they are, and they seem to know you?  

But I won’t walk towards, nor roll down my window for someone who doesn’t reveal their self first.  (And you shouldn’t either, got that????  If you can’t see WHO then drive (or walk) away; please don’t put yourself into a potentially dangerous situation!)

A while ago I was chatting with a friend on their porch.  When I left, there was a red pickup at the corner.   There was no traffic, they could’ve moved on so I figured they were on their phone.  After getting into my vehicle the truck pulled up next to mine and stopped so our drivers side windows were next to each other.  The truck’s windows were deeply tinted so all I could see was the outline of a coat sleeve.  It was different in that it kinda looked like a black sleeve to a high school lettermen jacket without the patches.  I sat there for a short time hoping the person would reveal their self but they didn’t.  Drove away then proceeded to obsess about whether or not I had offended someone I care about again.  

One day while shopping I saw a similar coat – on the person I had hoped was in that truck.  When I screwed up the courage to walk over and talk with them they were so not happy to see me.  And the dilemma that circumstance created is at the crux of many of my social ‘issues’.  Were they angry because they had previously did a couple of kind things for me out of the goodness of their heart and they’re now paying a penalty because my heart took it too seriously and went in a direction they never intended?  Or, is it possible they did care and I (unintentionally) hurt them?    

A similar experience happened more recently, before I was ‘fired’ from a group that met weekly.  At the end of the night it would just be three of us left to clean up the room and chat.  A couple of weeks in a row, when going out to our cars we noticed a red vehicle idling next to ours.  I know who I wanted it to be, but being unable to see into the interior we had no idea who the driver was.  (There would otherwise be no other cars in the parking lot.)

Was it someone one of us knew driving a different vehicle?  Or someone with dark intentions? (It was possible; a lady that left earlier was dealing with a difficult ex.)  Should we have gone over to the vehicle to find out?  

This is just a couple of times something like this happened.  There’s always a hope in my heart that it’s who I want it to be, but I can’t be sure.  And of course, the negative side of my brain keeps iterating, “Don’t be stupid, of course it’s not him!”

Concerning the negative filters in my mind, an example would be when someone (who I had at one time believed was a genuine friend) and I had a major blow out recently, I started pushing all people away.  My mind was suddenly perceiving other friends’ (previously unquestioned) words and actions as insincere or them trying to get rid of me.  After obsessing about some recent interactions with my 91 year old friend, ’M’, when she didn’t respond to a couple of messages I’d left over the course of a few days I left one more telling her I figured she was ending our friendship.  

M, who knows a lot of my history, later told me when she first heard that message she was completely confused and upset because she had no idea how I’d come to that conclusion.   After thinking about it she called and so sympathetically said, in part, “. . . why would you trust anyone? You don’t understand that what we have is real love; this is what love looks like.”  She said we don’t always agree, may not always be able to respond to each other’s expectations, but that doesn’t mean the love is gone & friendship is over.  Love lasts, and stays.  She hadn’t been trying to reject me, it was all about the negative experiences I’ve had filtering the present situation, and I was subconsciously trying to reject her (before she did me). 

Oh!

This helps me to appreciate in yet another way, why my heart yearns for genuine connection but hasn’t been capable of taking the leap of faith to make it happen.  Thank you, M, for helping me to understand, healing and opening my heart some more, adding some wisdom to it, and ‘learning me’ how to be better in relationships.

Huzzah and THANK GOD!

Today’s song is “Don’t Let Me down” by the Beatles.  I thought I had the perfect song for this post until late last night when I saw a wonderful cover of this on my favorite local band’s website.  Knew I had to use it for two reasons:  One, because this is why forming relationships can be so hard for some of us – our hearts are so leery after too much pain inflicted by others. I’m hoping and working towards trying again, and praying who I take chances with, does care.  So grateful for my imperfect friends who allow me to be imperfect, too, and can still accept me and ‘not let me down’ by walking away during times of growth.

The second reason is the flip side and is equally important.  

One of my greatest desires is having a Great Guy with a good heart in my life, and his KNOWING he’s safe with me. The question is, as I work through this healing will my sometimes waspish ‘tude cause his heart more pain, and will he feel safe with me?  Can a man with a good heart assertively (NOT aggressively!) deflect my displaced anger without taking it personally?