Mon. 12/14/20
For an explanation of L.P. and what it means that she’s a ‘splintered’ part of my psyche, please refer to the “Dissociation” post dated 10/14/20.
As always, so glad you could be here. How are you doing today?
L.P. has more she’d like to share with you . . .
Writing's never easy when it's coming from the heart 'cuz it's a part of me that's being torn apart. c. Pearl E.M., part of a poem written years ago
As mentioned a couple of weeks ago, the anniversary of the death of “D”, one of the starring members of the abuse that occurred during L.P.’s era, was at hand. It’s been triggering an impressive amount of emotional mayhem. I wanted to write about this at the time but didn’t have the mental wherewithal to get it done. I can only hope to finish it (preferably somewhat coherently) in time to put up for Monday. (If I don’t make it you might just get to see the video “No Anchovies Please” by the J. Geils Band.:))
In previous posts I’ve discussed that for the first several decades of life I had the one visual memory from L.P.’s era which was about the child sexually abusive material she was forced to participate in which included the beastiality. With all the intensive work I’ve been doing to heal during this past year there are many more memories retrieved as well as emotional awareness attained. This is being accomplished in a sporadic way, I guess you could say, when combined with all the work done over the previous years. During these last several weeks it’s all coalescing and I’m emotionally reeling from this more comprehensive realization of the depth and breadth of what happened. I know this is a significant step in the healing journey, and it’s hell to relive and feel it all. This is one of those times when I ALMOST wish I did drugs &/or alcohol to help alter the pain. And somewhere in this blog is a statement that says I now care enough about myself to stop the self harm. On the one hand I’m glad I told you that because it forces me to honor that comment (and Pearl!). On the other hand I kinda wanna slap us both because I perceive us as keeping me from dealing with this in the easiest (if most dysfunctional) way I know how. So, I’m eating too much instead. (Please tell me that’s a step up!) 🙂 I’m working on relinquishing enough control to allow God to prove He is my Highest Power and He is giving me His strength to get through this without self annihilation to one degree or another. Thank You, God (and E.P.).
There’s been significant progress with merging L.P. into the rest of my psyche. As that’s taking place I’m realizing that when most of her memories initially rose to the surface there was a protective mental barrier that kept me from completely perceiving them as personal. Frequently the visual aspect of what was coming was up was more like a projection on a screen as opposed to me re-experiencing it first hand. Do you understand what I mean? I would feel a lot, but not all, of the terror, pain, shame, anger and confusion when the memories were emerging, and then it would abate soon afterwards because L.P. was still ‘splintered’ off. It’s so weird because in spite of having talked about what happened with a couple of friends and in various types of therapy sessions over the years, I am now having ‘revelations’ that hell really did happen to me. As I’m becoming better equipped to handle it, Little Pearl is integrating while the protective barrier is disintegrating. As the memories are coming together I’m feeling a fuller impact of the fear, shame, pain, etc., that hasn’t been processed yet. (Really, this is a good thing, now please keep reminding me of that, won’t you? I promise to do the same for you if you need it – just let me know, o.k.?)
As I’m working through this I’m realizing how L.P.’s heart and mind had to be twisted into knots and dysfunctionally repurposed in order to cover for the guilty people, some of whom she knew and loved. She also had to cover up herself, hide all the hell she was dealing with internally as well externally since she didn’t think she had anyone to tell or help her.
Writing this is taking me into a much deeper appreciation of just how incredibly and beautifully strong child survivors are.
As mentioned in previous posts, I am finally ‘getting’ the absolute truths of life. (I will keep reiterating this to reinforce this understanding so we’ll never doubt again.) We ARE worthy of self respect & love, and living a fulfilling, amazing life. My own vision of this is living in an unshakeable faith and love of God, having and being able to love a God ordained husband the way he deserves, creating a family of choice made up of worthy and trustworthy friends, and living a life of purpose, on purpose. I know that since I am (finally!) accepting and BELIEVING this dream in my heart, it is becoming reality as God (and my psyche) know I am ready. Thank You, God! I hope that if you’re not already living it, you’ll allow yourself to envision, believe and produce your own version of a loving, fulfilling, amazing life, too. We ARE worthy!
Thank you to the caring and compassionate people I have met in support groups over the years. Do you have any idea how instrumental you are in helping others heal because you listen without judgement? And by sharing your stories you show the rest of us we are worthy of being trusted and included. Bless you!
Whew! Got it done, hopefully somewhat coherently!
I’ll meet you here again in a couple of days?
I’ve always loved the R.E.O. Speedwagon song “Keep Pushin’ On”. It’s one of those songs I consider to be biographical.
Keep Pushin' REO Speedwagon I used to be lonely till I learned about livin' alone I found other things to keep my mind on And I'm gettin' to know myself a little bit better Whoa, I keep pushin' on, I keep pushin' on, yeah Goin' through all the changes I made so many mistakes, oh yes I did Tryin' to leave behind the heartaches And sometimes I think I was a little bit crazy, oh yeah (but we all get a little bit crazy) Whoa, I keep pushin' on (Keep pushin', keep pushin', keep pushin') Keep pushin' on (Keep pushin', keep pushin', keep pushin') You know you have got to be so strong (Keep pushin', keep pushin', keep pushin') Well even if you think, your strength is gone (Keep pushin', keep pushin') Keep pushin' on, yeah Well it's comin' together I finally feel like a man, oh yes I do I never thought that I'd be where I am, oh Everyday I wake a little bit higher Oh I keep pushin' on, oh yeah (Keep pushin', keep pushin', keep pushin') Keep pushin' on (Keep pushin', keep pushin', keep pushin') You know you have got to, got to, be so strong (Keep pushin', keep pushin', keep pushin') Well even if you think, your strength is gone (Keep pushin', keep pushin') Keep pushin' on c. REO Speedwagon Songwriters: K. Cronin
