10/28/22
In the last several days I’ve been extended the Grace for a couple of ‘do-overs’.
One was because the Zoom event I participated in hadn’t been promoted as well as it should have been so I get a re-do at the end of February, 2023! Woo-hoo! (Have also received a couple invitations to be a part of other WAR International (Women At Risk) events!)
The other do-over I’m offering to myself after someone so kindly explained why last week’s post, “Perception & Owning Our Superpower” wasn’t written well. This is (hopefully!) a more comprehensible version of it! (I’m persevering ’til I get it right! :))
Hello Beautiful/Handsome you!
How’re your days going?
Last week I asked what your superpower(s) is (are), and I’m reiterating it now. It’s something I really hope you can define for yourself – your strengths, and what the greatest of those are.
I didn’t answer last week because I couldn’t figure it out for me! I have positive qualities and abilities, just not confident which one(s) would rise above any strong adversity. Oh! perseverance – because as God knows, I certainly wouldn’t be where I’m at – and going – without it. I won’t give up on myself (nor you if you ever need encouragement).
(Perseverance = hope in action doesn’t it? I’ll claim that! :))
I love God’s assurance of how not giving up leads to victory – it’s what’s kept me going when I really, really, really didn’t want to. One of His promises about this in the Bible, in the book of Isaiah, chapter 41, verse 10: “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my VICTORIOUS right hand.”
Thank You, God; I’ve been leaning on You and Your promises quite a bit! I’m (thankfully!) learning to trust You more and more, hallelujah!
As mentioned in the previous post so much has been going on lately, and perseverance is ushering me through it all. There’s also a ‘big’ (for me!) Zoom event coming up this Monday (10/24/22) that you can be a part of! I’ll be getting back to this after a few paragraphs.
I’ve been realizing that my ‘power’ of perception is in need of tweaking.
First example . . .
There’s been someone at my favorite park who I had determined was this great guy I know and am learning to trust, but recently realized that (at least sometimes) the person I’d hoped was him was actually a fisherman who scared the crap out of me last year.
The fisherman was dressed completely in black and in the shadows of a dark, rainy, early morning. I had walked into the halo of a light so he could see and hear me, but he was leaning against a post in the dark just outside the light. I wouldn’t have noticed him if the lights on the pedals of his bike weren’t flashing because the headlight was turned off. When I saw the lights reflecting on the wet pavement and was trying to figure out what they were, he hid them with his feet. He was completely silent and I had been unwittingly walking towards him for quite a few steps. He was now only about 6-8 feet in front of and facing me and he never said or did anything to let me know he was there; I felt threatened because it was like he’d been intentionally trying to hide himself while watching and listening to me. (I was already feeling triggered so was talking it out, out loud, believing it was just me and my dog. Talking out loud can help me stay in the present moment when my brain is trying to take me to some past traumatic event.)
When I figured out it was a person in front of me I froze because I didn’t want to continue to walk towards him and was afraid to take my eyes off him to move in a different direction. For some reason I said, “That’s not impressive” and he so quietly responded with ‘bitch’. Thank God, someone sitting in a car nearby chose that moment to get out of their vehicle (my hero) and I was able to quickly walk to a well lit area. (I don’t walk in the dark anymore.)
Later, after calming down, I recognized the voice that called me a bitch was the same as a fisherman’s I’d talked to before.
So now I wonder how often I’ve mistaken the person I’m leery of for a man I know who is decent and trustworthy.
Another recent experience of my perception being heartbreakingly off is . . .
Last April I sent a letter to the male sibling who was the ring leader for the second era of childhood hell. (That hell was first written about in the post “Reality vs. Fantasy” dated 2/16/21, then continued with posts dated 2/23/21, 3/2/21, and 3/9/21.) At the time I also sent letters to the ‘next generation’ whom I love but distanced myself from while healing and trying to excavate my truth. (As was written about at the end of April through May 3, 2022.)
Since then I had thought (hoped) the relationships with the ‘next generation’ were reestablishing. But these last several weeks I’ve reached out to several of them, either to see if they’d want to meet for lunch or to give them important news about someone they love.
And none of them have replied to me.
The pain hits my heart so hard; I’m the one who survived hell to begin with. And considering how it’s impacted my life ever since, including how it’s effected my relationships with the nieces and nephews and others I (have tried to) love, I keep paying the dues for other’s evil actions over and over again. Meanwhile, the participants of both eras of hell – the child molesters, rapists, pimps and pornographers, and those who protect(ed) them – are still well esteemed.
(Thank God for the friends I now have; they help me to see I am worthy of healthy relationships that share reciprocity of love, support and respect, even when I’m not perfect.)
This causes me to face the truth that things haven’t changed; to some degree I’ve always been the loser in the older generations’ eyes, now it appears that perception has been passed on to the next. Good to know even if it does hurt like hell; it’s the only way to move on. I can now quit worrying so much about how I speak/write about the people who treated me so horrifically; I was concerned that if I ‘told too much’ it could adversely effect any potential reconciliation. I was censoring my truth for their comfort.
I don’t want to speak out in anger and retaliation though, so I get to figure out where the truth ends and spite begins.
We’ll see if this gets figured out before publicly giving my testimony on Monday, October 24, 2022 at 7:30 EDT, via Zoom with WAR (Women At Risk) International. Once a month they have a “Light Up Your World” Zoom meeting where a survivor tells their truth and anyone can join in the conversation with a link WAR provides with notices on their website, facebook and other platforms.
Trying not to get too all atwitter about this, but at times the anxiety makes itself felt. So grateful that a good friend who’s also an awesome prayer warrioress, will be here to support me for the evening. Thank you ‘K’.
See you Monday? Otherwise, I’ll meet you here again with the next post. Until then, I hope you (figure out and) claim your superpower(s)!
Since this is the Halloween time of year, here’s a freaky version of the Edgar Winter Group’s “Frankenstein”. After 50 years, it’s still a great song!
Thank you for this u-tube video, Matthew Fuggi!
