9/14/21
Good day, good you! How’re you doing? Have you told yourself something positive about yourself yet??? If you haven’t will you please do that, now?
(I’ll wait . . .)
Sometime during the week before the ‘re-baptism’ it occurred to me that since a part of my ‘new’ name means, essentially, “I have left the land of my family and prospered,” there was something specific that needed to be done. It was something that was facetious but kinda sincere, too.
The day before the ceremony I went to the cemetery where the deceased members of the family-I-was-born-into are buried. When my sister died it was decided that all the female siblings would be buried in the same place, so the tombstone has my name on it, too. (And once again, thank You, God, no expiration date!) I plant and maintain the flowers at the grave sites and several years ago planted a lavender plant that represents me, and it’s been flourishing there.
Since I have no intention of being interred there, I decided to honor my new identity by ‘plantnapping’ (?) ‘my’ lavender out of the family’s realm and bringing it home, kinda like claiming all of me back from their ‘land’. (Couldn’t figure out how to ‘unsandblast’ my name off the grave marker, though. Drat!)
Now I have this delightfully large, beautiful, aromatic shrub that I can only pray lives long enough to justify the amount of money I spent to give it a good ‘container’ home. If I give it a name, (hmmmm – Grace?), talk to her nicely and repeatedly tell her she’s a ‘healthy, strong, beautiful specimen of lavender’, do you think that would keep her living??? 🙂 Can’t hurt to try, I s’pose.
On the day of, I was actually five minutes late to my own ceremony! (That’s not really all that shocking, to be pathetically honest! :).) There were several more people I would have really liked to have invited, but since it was at someone else’s house I kept it to just a few. Most of the people asked showed up, which kinda surprised me and I really appreciated them doing that. Still haven’t figured out how to receive that kind of love, that they would take time out of their busy day to help celebrate this amazing new life I’m embarking on. So very humbled by that, and still feel a little separated from the love they expressed, though. I pray to fully allow it in, to let it more completely heal my heart and psyche.
Some of the people didn’t know my story, and when I gave that (hopefully!) brief summary of it, it surprised me when others responded with little murmurs of righteous indignation (and even tears) on my behalf. I didn’t go into much detail, but when they expressed compassion instead of condemnation, disgust at me, or rejection, it caused tears to well up (and still does now). The whole time I was so uncomfortable because people were actually noticing me, and with support, care and love instead of berating, disbelieving, or trying to shut me up.
I don’t think this was mentioned it in the previous post, but the ceremony did not just include baptism and communion, there was a sort of marriage, too. I was joining together the splintered parts of psyche into my heart, and I now vow to love, cherish, and care for them.
I know this is only the beginning of a life I never could have imagined just a few years ago, where love is offered, received, and given. Or maybe a better way to put it is, I have fantasized about this, but for so long without the ability to believe I could actually be worthy of and receive and live it.
Thank you, God, (and Pearl!) for getting me this far. And so much love and gratitude to the mortals who love me even when I don’t act very loving, and who up paying for the sins of others. I know you aren’t perfect, but it’s those imperfections, and your generosity of love and spirit that have taught me how to love the real you, self, and others, too. God bless you!
Today’s tune is “Beginnings” by Chicago. Always thought it would be a good wedding song, but what’s funny (in a sad and pathetic sort of way 🙂 ) is that while planning the wedding to the ex., I completely forgot about music until several days before the ceremony. (Oops!) And the only person I could ask with such short notice was a pianist who played only traditional marrying songs. (We had a very small wedding with the reception at a restaurant so no music there.) Considering how much I love music, one could probably consider that major lapse as one more sign that I wasn’t (and never should have been) ready to marry who I did. And don’t know if this was mentioned in a previous post, but it wasn’t until right before or after we were married that someone asked us what ‘our song’ was. (I’m actually laughing while typing this – oh, the irony!) The only tune I could think of at that moment was “You Are My Sunshine” (written my Jimmie Davis and Charles Mitchell). It was just a couple years ago when I learned the verses to that song, and you know what? It’s not a happy story at all.
Lordy, I was clueless! (And am now eternally grateful God doesn’t condemn us to live out our mistakes for our whole lives!).
Oh yeah, back to “Beginnings”! Yes, I do know the song is, in fact, about a lifelong loving, romantic relationship, but I like it here because I do feel like I am at the beginning of an amazing, love (in all it’s forms) filled life. And I choose to honor and grow love and this joyful anticipation and acceptance of the good in this world for the rest of my days, too. I’m worthy, and so are you. Hopefully, you know that already!
Hallelujah and AMEN!
Looking forward to meeting you here again next Tuesday (or Wednesday!)
