8/18/23
Hi Good Person –
Had a couple of incidences recently that showed me that sometimes what someone does to – um – debase another (trying to sound a little more Christian by not using the first word that came to mind for ‘debase’.) (Ahem.) is off set by an otherwise completely unrelated occurrence.
Has something like this ever happened to (for?) you?
A couple of weeks ago I had an issue with the mechanicals of my house. It was something that needed immediate attention but a professional serviceperson wouldn’t be fixing it anytime soon so I called a friend to ask if her husband might be able to help. (They’ve frequently mentioned they’d help out if the need ever arose.)
I hate asking a friend’s husbands for assistance for several reasons, not the least of which I’m about to explain, but I didn’t think I had a choice.
They came over and in the course of the husband’s and my working together it became apparent by the way he was staring and leering that he has a perverse reaction to a specific area of a woman’s anatomy. I was so self conscious and became hyper-vigilant about everything I was saying, trying not to come across as a desperate bimbo trying to compete with his beloved and respected wife. But it seemed no matter what I said it could be taken in a way that was never intended and was pretty sure he was doing just that.
I was slouching forward more than usual trying to make less obvious what he was so overtly ogling, then got ticked off about that, straightened up and realized that could be perceived as an invitation.
Was feeling quite slimed upon, to stay the least.
The male is quite a few years older than myself and well respected by everyone, including me until that oh-so-uncomfortable hour of working with him. And that triggered an emotional memory of the helpless fear, shame, pain and anger of what it was like, as a child, when all those ‘respectable’ males did those horrible things, (and they who ‘loved’ them too much to save me), and who convinced me I was the one with the amoral character, and it was my responsibility to keep their dirty, little secrets.
Didn’t come to the awareness of why the victim mentality was revisiting until yesterday.
(Therapy really does help, people! And so grateful she reminded me that how he acted said everything about him and nothing about me.)
Since ‘The Incident’ I’d been eating too much and staying too busy in order to avoid acknowledging and dealing with those self-damning emotions and shame. I was living with one foot in the past ~ the five year old’s era of hell, with the other in the in the present.
(Thankfully, I’ve learned to do a pretty good job of keeping up with what needs to be done in stead of succumbing to those underlying thoughts of ‘too effed up do anything right so why bother?’.)
Recently my dog was sick and needed to go out side in the middle of the night. In an effort to get him out in time I forgot to put something on over the my nightgown and the shame bubbled to the surface when the automatic outdoor light came on. While hoping the neighbors were all tucked in bed so they didn’t see and judge the situation, I heard something in the dark but didn’t know what. It kinda sounded like the light tap on a car horn a person uses when they’re trying to get another’s attention without scaring them.
As a fear of the unknown and a triggered sense of a predator waiting to do harm was coming to mind, the first thought that came to heart was, “Maybe that’s Great Guy!”.
And sometimes, Good Person, that’s one of the most painful parts of surviving ongoing trauma.
Initially, you believe someone will come to your rescue so you call out for them, perhaps only in your mind. Belief deteriorates to hope, then wishful thinking and daydreaming someone will step in, then reality and the thought, “Why would anyone try to save me?”
The dog must’ve heard the same thing and when he was done being sick he wanted to go towards it. To be honest, I did too, hoping in childlike faith to find a (perhaps mortal) angel looking out for me. But in an effort to avoid that emotional rabbit hole we went back into the house ASAP.
The positive happenstance that helped to heal the leering a**hole incident occurred at about the same time as the meeting with the slime-er, but it didn’t get recognized until later.
I took my dog for a chiropractic appointment. The good doctor is young enough to be my son, and if I thought he could use another mom I’d ask to adopt him; this is just one reason why . . .
It was a hot day so I wore an old shirt that could be revealing if I leaned forward so I was constantly adjusting it.
While holding my dog still for the good man, I didn’t think there was a problem until he kept his eyes continuously averted while adjusting the dog’s spine. Usually he looks right at me when we talk. It wasn’t until later I realized how low the front of the shirt got to be and was embarrassed and ashamed, fearing he thought it was done on purpose.
It was a while before I had the guts to call for another appointment and replied ‘whoever’s available’ when asked which doctor I wanted to use. I figured my usual chiropractor would be too disgusted to want to continue to work with me.
I was relieved the receptionist said it would be the other doctor.
The day of the appointment I was waiting longer than usual for the meeting and was wondering if the other doctor was shunning me too. But what was so cool is, my usual chiropractor came out to help. I can’t begin to tell you what a relief it was to know he didn’t hold what happened against me; it felt like redemption. Had such a huge, relieved smile on my face when I realized it was him.
(And crying tears of healing and gratitude while writing this.)
Don’t know if he had any idea of the drama going on in my mind, but the good doctor was the antidote to it. Doubt he’ll ever read this but hopefully on some spiritual level he’ll sense the appreciation.
And thank You, God, for knowing I’d be needing the redemption even before ‘The Incident’ occurred!
I wonder how often that happens? God providing the cure for an emotional wound right around the moment of infliction, if I (we?) just had the wherewithal to notice it.
I LOVE this week’s song – such gentle, melodic tones from an electric guitar (once you get past the first unrelated-to-the-actual-song notes in this video, that is! :)). Oh, to believe I could ever play THIS, “Whale and Wasp” by Jerry Cantrell. Thank you to Ted Weitzman for posting this excellent video!
