Safe! (For sure?)

6/30/23

Good day, Good Person!

Can you usually tell if someone or a situation is safe?

Here’s the latest dose of overthinking the snot out of things. Do you have advice for some of this? 

As a survivor of so much human induced trauma, feeling safe is so important yet it can be so elusive. Predatory ‘groomers’ play head games with their victims by first convincing them they can be trusted; once they gain their prey’s trust they start their malevolent onslaught. The victim doesn’t believe the evil intent in what’s happening because they’re so convinced the predator cares about them. And since the groomer also charms others into believing they’re ‘swell’, those who are supposed to protect the child won’t want to recognize what’s occurring because they’ve been fooled, too. 

When all of this begins early in a child’s life, our innate sense of who’s trustworthy is annihilated. Without being taught any differently we may become adults who frequently can’t figure out who’s for good or evil. 

For example:

Went for a walk earlier in the morning recently at my favorite park and remembered why I stopped going at that time of day. (Do you ever do that? Have a valid reason for not doing something then completely forget? Arrrrgg! :))

Anyway, one of the reasons was because of a couple of older males I originally didn’t mind talking and having a couple laughs with, but after a several months it got weird. 

I crossed paths with one of them while he was shuffling back to his home. I thought he was reaching out for a friendly hug when he kissed me instead. 

Ugh! I had no intention of THAT happening (thank God it was a quick one.) and was too shocked to do anything in the moment other than say goodbye and leave quickly. 

Then with the other male, ‘A’, there was an uneasy feeling that emerged which implies, ‘pay attention and don’t trust’. 

‘A’ would bully a guy who was exercising with relentless demoralizing comments (while he only ever sat on a bench), and at other times brag about how he ‘trained’ (more like tortured) a dog he once had that he ‘rescued’ from a(nother) abusive home; it made me nauseous. When no one else was around ‘A’ would quietly mention his wife had left him. (Um, do I need to draw him a picture as to why????)

There were several times I’d leave the park and stop somewhere else when A’d arrive right after. I went to an outdoor church service one day after talking with the both of them, and he showed up and sat a little ways away. When I realized it was A it kinda freaked me out since he was facing my way instead of toward the pastor. 

Other questionable things happened at the park in the early morning (and have been written about in previous posts), so I began walking later and at different places in order to avoid the drama and ‘heebie-jeebies’. (It’s a technical term.:))  

But I had also saw some good people while walking at that consistent time, and I miss them.

People who were supportive and encouraging as I’d walk up and down a set of stairs repeatedly to work up stamina and cardio. Women who would stop and chat and put a smile in my heart. There was a great guy who (I thought was) there daily; I knew he was a safe dude and he respected a person’s social signals, which I really appreciated. When he was in the realm I didn’t have to worry so much about the other concerns.

But at some point I realized there had been a few times I thought a guy was him and it wasn’t, and that left me wondering how often I made someone out to be who I wanted him to be as opposed to who he really was just so I could feel safe and/or hopeful. 

Did that make sense?

So, even though I was kinda proud to have managed to form this healthy habit, I became too uncomfortable and confused to keep it up.

Would you have been able to continue with the status quo?

When I saw the questionable duo recently they noticed me so I felt I ‘had’ to stop by. 

‘Ugh’ again! 

They asked questions like “do you walk at (another specific) local park?” (“I go to a lot of different areas.”) What time do you normally walk? (“It depends.”) Where are you parked? (“Up yonder”). Hung around for just a couple of minutes trying not to give any specific info and then moved on.

That incident also caused me to consider, how often does someone who would rather not talk with me feel obligated to? If someone is walking towards me, looks up and appears to roll their eyes, hesitates, then moves forward again, is it personal? Well, duh, right?

But on the other hand, I can give the impression of rolling my eyes when I’m just trying to quickly figure something out (perhaps hoping the answers are written on the inside of my eyelids? :)). And Lord knows, I’ve written a bit about how I can, in a subconsciously, self-sabotaging and reactive way, walk away from someone who does matter in order to protect my heart. So I might project that possibility onto someone and let what could be denial/wishful thinking prevail.

Would you give the benefit of the doubt to someone who appears so hesitant? 

There’s been several ladies who’ve kinda done that for me! For a few years they’ve frequently asked if I’d want to do something with them and I almost always replied with a polite refusal. Surprisingly, they never rejected me, and just a week or so ago I felt comfortable enough to go to lunch with them and it went well. I’m grateful they don’t give up on me.

Several months ago I found a (used) plastic tip from the end of a cheap cigar, just outside a window to my abode. I keep trying to convince myself a bird or squirrel somehow carried it here because I don’t know what to do if it was dropped there by a person. (No one I know smokes those so a guest or worker wouldn’t have left it.)  In spite of the denial, a touch of fear still lingers.

Last year there was a homeless man in the area who had been caught looking into windows of houses, but I never saw him. I  can only hope he’s never peeped nor someone else cased my place.

In the middle of the night, when I’m writing and sometimes being mildly triggered by the subject matter, I’ll see a vehicle drive up to a driveway a couple of doors down, stop, then slowly drive away. In reality it’s probably a newspaper delivery, but I so want to feel safe that I’ll imagine it being a mortal angel looking out for me. 

Several years ago an older gent said he drives by my place most days to make sure I’m ok. I appreciated he told me, but even though I know he’s a good person and he checks on others too, the part of me that has survived too much and is still healing from it all would reject him. He’d always share a friendly wave when he drove by while I’d act like I didn’t see him and in my mind be flipping him the bird! He didn’t deserve it but I couldn’t convince the defensive part of psyche to just calm down and accept what he was doing at face value. Now, I wave and smile and am grateful he didn’t let my sucky ‘tude stop him! 

I’m so appreciative to all who don’t give up on me – your patience is healing. Thank you!

Because of people like you I AM growing up some more and getting the hang of figuring out who’s trustworthy and learning to treat them as they deserve. Hallelujah!

I used to think the song “(I’ve Been) Searching So Long” by Chicago was about romantic love. Have recently learned it’s about finding peace and acceptance of what’s good and right, inside ourselves. (“Now I see myself as I am / Feeling very free / Life is everything / Ooh it’s meant to be”) That’s how life is becoming for me; it’s a God given, hard earned miracle that’s been so long in the making; with God, all things are possible & I’m so very grateful!

The picture at the top of the post is by Michelle Tresemer and Unsplash.