6/7/26
Good day Good Person –
Do you ever struggle with forgiving?
I think many people do whether we admit it or not. Sometimes we say we did when in reality we just verbalized the words and keep trying to forget about it, but the hurt and anger are only shoved into the denial zone and not dealt with.
Unforgiveness limits our ability to have the type of relationships we deserve. How can we be vulnerable with others, or more to the point how can they be vulnerable with us, if we’re harboring bitterness that’ll come out snarling, or burn in a lower grade passive/aggressive way, or even cause us to abandon someone instead of dealing with an issue when they come close to the anger we’re trying to hide and contain? And sometimes, when it’s triggered it may have nothing to do with the current situation; it’s unresolved crud others end up paying the price for. And if we’re expending energy by maintaining self-protective resentment or trying to keep a lid on it, we don’t have much positive spirit left over to see and participate in what is good and light in each other and the world.
A few months ago someone played chicken with me in a parking lot because early on in our acquaintance they came to the erroneous conclusion I was always making disparaging comments about them. I had never even spoken about this person to begin with, let alone repeatedly like they imagined. Someone else had told me their concerns about this person’s circumstances because they knew we had that in common and knew I’d care. The person with the not fully repressed perpetual rage apparently thought they couldn’t take their anger out on the first person and decided I’d be an easier target. And while I’ve never, nor would pretend to attempt to take another person’s life literally, I, too, have reacted poorly way too many times because all the unresolved hurt would manifest as imagined slights against me.
So in an effort to release more of the bitterness I hold against the childhood pimps/sexually abusive material creators/abusers, etc., and all who protected them instead of me, I went for another Holy Spirit led deep healing session.
I always hope these experiences will produce immediate, complete and permanent fixes. They rarely do for me and others I’ve talked with, but they do start a process that takes me further along in a short period of time.
During the session ‘J’, the leader, asked a series of questions that started the deep dive into the rage to get to the roots of it. I think these q’s could help anyone who struggles with letting bitterness go.
He started with: “If any of these people acknowledged what they did and said they were sorry, and seemed to mean it, would that be enough?”
My response: “If it’s only words and no atonement, then no.”
Then he kept along that vein with: “What kind of atonement would heal this? If they offered to pay you back some of what you’ve paid for various therapies?”
Um, probably not because even though symptoms been greatly alleviated, I still deal with PTSD, CPTSD, D.I.D., etc..
“If they owned up to what they did and verified your truth to others, would that be the end of it?”
For a while perhaps, but it can’t make up for all the love, opportunities and time I’ve lost due to the damage it all did to my heart and mind. And it probably won’t suddenly heal what my body has gone through first from their actions, then with all the years of those memories and emotions stored in it, did to it. Some of which are body memories, consistent insomnia, perpetual hyper-vigilance, exhaustion, etc. And there’s always been triggers to remind me of what happened.
‘J’s’ wisdom in asking these questions let to the realization, if we base our healing and ability to live a full, free and loving life on someone else’s apologies and atonement, it would never happen. It might help, but we’d be continuing to surrender our lives to people who cannot undo and restore all they’d stolen from us. And the vast majority of the time, they can’t fathom what that is, or couldn’t care less. They’re continuing to live their lives, usually as respected members of society with dark secrets most would never guess. Meanwhile, we’re still basing our lives on their intentional ignorance.
After years of working on this healing, in humility I know I’m incapable of doing this complete forgiveness thing. This awareness can be either a curse leading back into hopelessness, or a blessing because now that I’ve walked along this journey long enough to get to know and trust a God Who is greater than all of this, and have allowed myself to better understand the depth of the heart wounds, I can ask Him to do what no one else can.
Repeatedly, God says in the Bible things like: “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locusts have eaten”. (Book of Joel, chapter 2, verse 25.) And to Job, a faithful man, after he’d lost his vast fortune, house, resources, and all his children: “And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.” (Job, Chapter 42 v. 10) Also, in Isaiah 61:3: “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give them beauty to replace their ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called the trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”
Since I have no idea how He intends to do this I have to sow my minuscule seed of faith, water and nurture it with prayer, His Word, and a frequent reminder to choose to forgive. Then notice and celebrate as He gently peels away what’s left of the bitterness.
Another great piece of advice came with J’s co-facilitator: “Try remembering to keep your eyes on Jesus instead of focusing on the unresolved issues.” That does help!
Now that I’m in this phase of the process, God’s encouragement is coming in so many different ways. Whether it’s the testimony of survivors who are basking in the incredible freedom and life forgiving has freed them to live; a powerful podcast testimony a friend sent a link to (Rita Springer’s podcast with her guest Lisa Jennett), or the images that rise up of being a bird learning to fly in lightness of being, showing how life is becoming as I’m allowing God to heal what I can’t.
This most recent vision came up while ‘journaling with Jesus’: My arms become wings; I start flapping them and rising. It feels so free and right until noticing a tether gently tied to my right ankle. I’m getting angry about it until I see the other end is lightly held in Jesus’ hand, and He’s standing underneath me. The truth comes into my heart, He isn’t using this to tie me down or limit my distance; He’s holding it because I repeatedly plead with Him to never leave nor forsake me. At His end of the rope, it would easily slip out of His hand should I chose to continue without Him. Of course, I don’t, and He starts soaring with me.
And you know what? He offers these same opportunities, and so much more, for you too.
(“Those who wait upon the Lord shall rise up like with wings of eagles; they will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.” – Isaiah 40, v31)
As mentioned earlier though, healing isn’t immediate and complete. As the anger is falling away I’m dealing with what it was covering and protecting.
Have been feeling cruddy lately, and realized the physical pain is associated with memories and emotions that were hiding in the anger. Terror is a tight, sometimes nauseous knot in the solar plexus region that keeps me from breathing deeply. The anger is in the tightness in neck and shoulders that create headaches. The emotional pain and shame is beneath the fatigue that keeps trying to cover it up like a heavy wet blanket. Excess weight is the protection in keeping people (including self) from seeing the real me, yet it reveals the truth of what’s being carrying in my heart and mind.
One of the amazing ways God is encouraging me in this era of healing is via fb posts, one from “Midlifehealingjourney”. It explained something so well that I didn’t know needed to be learned. It begins with why we seek validation of our experiences from others, especially when no one had in our earlier lives: It creates relief because we know we’re finally being heard, and believed. But the validation doesn’t last and we keep seeking more of it.
Self trust comes when we can finally peel back the denial that kept us from acknowledging the extent of how everything effected us, and know we’ve come through it all. This creates freedom from within and is not contingent on others’ assessments.
I love her quote: “Validation didn’t begin when everyone else understands. It begins when I no longer need their validation to heal.”
So the question that leads to healing and forgiveness becomes, do I believe me? If so, then I don’t need ‘their’ permission/apology to let go and move on.
Thank You God for this perfectly timed revelation. I, and so many others, can and are being set free when we turn to You in humility, patience, and do our part, imperfectly, with You.
Because of Your love, glory and honor. Hallelujah and amen!
Have recently discovered Christian singer Pat Barrett. The official video to his song “I’ve Got a Fire” has led me to believe, the way Marty Barrett (his father) dances and revels in Pat’s song is how God, our Heavenly Daddy who is proud of who we are whether we are or not, rejoices when we use the gifts He’s blessed us with. And at very the end of the video, after the credits, is an add on that shows how we can be when we accept His joy in us, and dance with Him in it.
Yes, God! Amen.