Monday 1/12/21
Happy day to you, so glad you’re here!
I’ve recently finished house- and dog sitting for a friend of mine for the second time in the last few months. While doing that I’ve had several self-teachable moments that range from hilarious to gut wrenching.
One of the funnier moments came when I was walking the smallest of the three dogs. ‘The Pup’, who has impulse control issues, weighs over 130 pounds so it was a crapshoot at any given moment as to who was walking who.
My friend, ‘K’, warned me there could be other issues while walking the canines. If they saw a squirrel or something else that grabbed their attention they might suddenly take off and I could end up with a wrenched shoulder and/or accidentally dropping the leash. So, in theory, I was prepared for whatever the dogs might do. In reality, however, after several days of uneventful walking I became cocky and thought I had it all under control until the moment a neighbor lady kindly yelled out a ‘hello’. That was all it took for The Pup to leap into a full run towards the woman, and me realizing I wasn’t prepared and couldn’t stop her. I held on to the tether for dear life and tried to keep up with her. (Had to or else have my arm ripped off due the pull of the leash (or so I imagined:)) I was off balance and am pretty sure I was flailing in midair while occasionally touching down with a foot and pushing forward again. After a few of those ungainly steps, the tug of the lead started pulling my upper body further ahead of my legs and I became parallel to the ground. So what else was there to do except land, in a splat sort of way, flat out on my belly? Thank God the grass – and myself – are soft so no harm (except to ego) was done. While sprawled on her perfect lawn, prone, so she couldn’t see my expression, the neighbor so concernedly kept asking if I was OK. Since I was still stunned and quietly guffawing hysterically I couldn’t immediately answer her. It wasn’t until after peeling myself off the ground and standing (while still laughing) that the lady quit worrying. We had a pleasant chat after all that.
The Big Revelation of that day was I frequently shut myself down, slink away or get defensive after making an idiot out of myself in front of others. I now know it’s far more fun to just laugh and start talking with the other person. After all, they now know they can’t make themselves look any worse than I just made myself look, so they can relax, too, and we can both have a good giggle and conversation.
The second time I house and dog sat for K the ‘splat’ was more cerebral and heart felt. I kept thinking I was doing a substandard job, constantly berating myself and believing she was going to regret asking me to help, etc.. As mentioned in previous posts, on some level or another I’ve always thought I was dirt, disposable, and at times nonexistent. Towards the end of that stay there were a couple of minutes when I actually felt the depth and breadth of all that shame, and the two words that came with the feeling were ‘second rate’. I had NO idea on a conscious level how horrible that feeling is, how deep that root of self rejection goes. Intense emotional pain came up for a brief period of time until I was able to tuck it away again. There was also vivid clarity as to what I’ve missed out on in life and why. About how the self rejection effected not only me, but the other people who were hurt by it because they may have actually cared when I couldn’t accept it, them, and their good intentions. I saw how I’ve let so many amazing people and opportunities fall by the wayside, and how frequently I’ve sabotaged whoever (or whatever) good that wasn’t immediately pushed away.
Now, several days later, I’m starting to feel another hidden pocket of previously buried anger at ‘them’ (the abusers) for what they did that caused this breakdown of heart, psyche, soul and life. There is anger directed at myself for having stayed in denial for so long so I didn’t get into recovery sooner, for how long it’s taken to get this far, and for not gaining control over the dereliction of duties and love toward self, others, and life yet. A good deal of grief is coming up for all I’ve missed out on.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had some amazing experiences in life, but I’ve come to understand that they were in spite of myself. They were courtesy of a God who loves me enough to keep blessing me even though I’ve frequently been blind to those blessings or couldn’t make myself accept them. Or thank Him. I’m thanking You now, God.
As hard as it was to receive that revelation of what being ‘second rate’ feels like and how I’ve acted because of it, it is another aspect to healing the core of the deepest wounds. There may be more anger and pain to be excavated, felt, and processed and I’m apparently ready to do the work in order to heal more completely. (Please keep reminding me that’s supposed to be a good thing when I’m in emotional meltdown and reconstruction mode, OK? Thanks!) I AM worthy and capable of the effort it takes to heal. And so are YOU, if that’s what you need to do for you!
Thank you to all the people over the years who did try to love me the way I deserved, even if I kept pushing it (and you) away. I apologize. I pray that if we meet in person again I’ll do better at giving back. Amen!
Hope to see you here on Friday!
Today I have a writing by Kelly Rae Roberts. I pray you can do this. (I’m getting better at it . . .)
Own Your Joy May you … Silence the noise. Get quiet. And tend to the landscape of your HEART and SOUL with NOURISHMENT AND GRATITUDE. May you … Honor the divinity of your body and treat it kindly with COMPASSION and LOVE. May you … Surrender. Let go. Slow down. And pause to notice all that is SACRED in the ordinary. May you … Listen. Tune in. And acknowledge all the WISDOM that resides within you. Because you are the one you’ve been waiting for. - Kelly Rae Roberts
