Wed, 12/2/20
(Please refer to the post titled “Dissociation” dated 10/14/20, or ‘Cast of Characters in my mind’ tab on the home page if you don’t know who ‘Grace’ is.)
Hi! How are you doing?
Today’s post is about how holidays and anniversaries of certain days continue to have an effect decades after the abuses ended. As I’m healing I am better able to manage these issues (for the most part, thank God), but they can still cause significant disruptions in my emotional and mental reactions for a time.
Do you ever struggle with holidays? If so, you now know you have a friend here who understands.
As mentioned in previous posts, I can be slow in understanding the significance of current moments as well as the causes of unexpected emotional mayhem. (I’ll discuss more about why that is in the future.) It’s not like I’m consciously expecting difficult feelings and dysfunctional behaviors to occur at certain times of the year, it’s more like what’s been happening this past week or so. I’ve been giving myself emotional whiplash (although it’s not as intense as it can be – there’s hope it’s being tamed! YAY!), a couple nightmares, more ‘zoning out’ mentally than usual, being jumpier and having difficulty writing. It took a couple of days before I figured out there are several different causes for this. The birthday of the ring leader of the second most traumatic era of childhood is around Thanksgiving and the anniversary of the death of one of the ring leaders of the first era is about a week after that.
The birthday of the person we’ll refer to as x still haunts me for several reasons. First of all, he’s another person I kept trying to trust, someone one would have expected to have protected me, but was horrifically abusive instead. (We’ll start delving into his, A.K.A . ’the Grace era’ soon.) He and several of his cohorts are favored people in our family as well as considered ‘swell guys’ by those who haven’t abused by them, and even one or two who have. (This is called “Stockholm Syndrome” which I’ll write about in the future.) It can be difficult for me to know GP is so celebrated while being aware of what horrible acts he (and his buddies) did to me. Back then it further convinced me that that was how males in my life were supposed to treat me, and it also reinforced the belief that I had no value, no right to expect anything better. There was a lot of repressed anger from that time because I was told I had no right to feel it and was punished if I expressed it any way. The abuse by x and the others would be ramped up during the holidays because we were together more often with all the visiting. The adults were even less inclined to care about what was happening because of how busy they were.
As for the anniversary of the death one of the ring leaders of the first era, on the one hand I am kinda grateful he died. (We’ll get into how that began the journey to freedom in a future post.) It also brings up how he treated me throughout his life. After his era of sexual abuses ended he still frequently denigrated me to make sure I ‘knew my place’ (in his eyes). I can see how this is still effecting me now, more so at these ‘anniversaries’ (including his birthday, etc.). I’ve been struggling to write the posts these last couple of weeks because all his ‘stupid’, ‘dummy’, ‘you can’t do anything right’, etc., comments are echoing louder than usual. I’m sure the nightmares and being more highly strung lately have a lot to do wth him, too. The sense that I am betraying him, x, the family and all the others right now by telling the truth and therefore loving and honoring myself, is stronger.
I am very grateful to be realizing my own value, strength, love and power of God as this is happening. It is lessening the impact of these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors significantly. I’m believing I’ll get through this holiday season without wishing I’m suicidal – it will be a first!
Thank you to all the thoughtful strangers who so freely give smiles, compliments, and encouraging comments to others. You never know when you are ministering to a hurting person who needs to be acknowledged as someone worthy of kindness. I’m grateful to be learning to be more like you by watching you. God bless you all!
Looking forward to spending some time on Friday wth you. Please take good care of yourself until then!
Today’ s song is “Fight the Good Fight” by Triumph. I love its message of not giving up, and about how the better and kinder we live our lives then the more we offset the difficult times.
"Fight The Good Fight" The days grow shorter and the nights are getting long Feels like we're running out of time Every day it seems much harder tellin' right from wrong You got to read between the lines Don't get discouraged, don't be afraid, we can Make it through another day Make it worth the price we pay The Good Book says it's better to give than to receive I do my best to do my part Nothin' in my pockets I got nothin' up my sleeve I keep my magic in my heart Keep up your spirit, keep up your faith, baby I am counting on you You know what you've got to do Fight the good fight every moment Every minute every day Fight the good fight every moment It's your only way All your life you've been waiting for your chance Where you'll fit into the plan But you're the master of your own destiny So give and take the best that you can You think a little more money will buy your soul some rest You'd better think of something else instead You're so afraid of being honest with yourself You'd better take a look inside your head Nothing is easy, nothing good is free But I can tell you where to start Take a look inside your heart There's an answer in your heart Fight the good fight every moment Every minute every day Fight the good fight every moment Make it worth the price we pay Every moment of your lifetime Every minute every day Fight the good fight every moment Make it worth the price we pay
