11/30/20
(If needed, please refer to post titled “Dissociation” dated 10/14/20, or ‘Cast of Characters in My Mind’ tab on home page if clarification of who L.P., E.P. and Michael are.)
Welcome – glad you’re here!
This blog was created to connect with other survivors (refer to ‘Mission’ tab on home page for details of what its intended goals are) but somewhat surprising is how much I’ve been changing (in a positive way:)) while we’re doing this (thank God!).
Writing this blog is one of the main reasons for this change because I’m working on one of my life’s dreams. I’ve tried other ways to accomplish this goal of reaching out but they haven’t worked out yet. I do believe that once we find a purpose we truly care about and work towards, we’re intuitively led into our strengths more. There’s a resolve to push instead of giving up when overwhelming feelings of ‘I can’t, don’t wanna, and you can’t make me’ persist. Do you know what I mean? I’m not saying this is easy. Lord knows the memories, emotions and nightmares that are coming up, and the anxiety of wondering if I’m doing it ‘right’ and writing well, etc., can be a bit much. Along side these feelings though, is a beautifully strong and more positive sense of self within that is rising and I am so grateful – it’s about time! 🙂
I also have amazing warrior friends praying for this blog with me, and I’m continuing to process through all the work done at Onsite Workshops as well as regular therapy. All these things are facilitating the most powerful reason for the healing that is occurring, which is ‘Little Pearl’ is finally being heard and honored. I have spent the previous years of life avoiding and frequently hating her because I perceived L.P. as weak and too much of a victim. I’ve also thought of her as a threat to my heart and mind. I’ve been trying to reach LP’s part of my psyche for quite a few years now but not in love, just to deal with what she knows. I’ve punished her/me because I dreaded the pain and anger that comes when she tells me her secrets (the repressed memories). No wonder that part of me has remained a separate entity in my mind. But as I’m writing these posts I’m finally realizing how strong she/I have always been, like you are. There is no way a ‘weak victim’ would have gone through all I had and survived. In a recent post (11/25/20, LP’s relationships) I wrote about wanting to cry with gratitude when I realized LP actually trusted a man enough to think, “That’s Great Guy, he would never hurt me”. It was such a surprise at the time but I didn’t fully appreciate what had happened, especially with the defensive Michael-in-my-mind still being so painfully protective. (Plus, it can take me awhile to understand the true gist of something!) Now I am deeply appreciative that L.P. never gave up and is brave enough to choose to learn how to love and trust again. As I integrate her completely I know there will be more painful memories and realizations to accept and make peace with, and I also KNOW LP’s courageous choice to love will prevail, and that’s what makes the effort worth while. LP is a precious gift that I am finally opening up to, and I refuse to take her for granted anymore.
If you are hurting and wonder if it’s worth the work necessary to heal and learn to live in love instead of pain and/or fear, trust me, it is. I hope you’ll realize how worthy and capable you are to take on or continue the journey, one step at a time. Learning to live a loving life isn’t easy and it’s so rewarding. There is so much hope even when the pain is greatest for that means we are at our strongest, otherwise our mind and heart wouldn’t be ready to work through it. I care about you and pray you know, or are learning about, your own intrinsic value.
Thank you, Lord, for my prayer warrior friends Pam and Esther. They help me to see who and what You are, which is pure Love, and Love is the most powerful Entity there is. Please bless these lovely ladies in ways you know are best for them. I also pray for whoever reads this blog – may they, too, know the power of Your love and healing and allow it into their hearts if they haven’t already. In Jesus name, amen.
I look forward to meeting with you here again on Wednesday!
The song I am hoping to be able to download is a song by a band called Sixx: A.M., which is led Nicky Sixx. He is also a member of the band Motley Crue. ’Maybe It’s Time’ is about coming to the realization that a person’s addiction is making their (and other’s) lives hell, and it’s time to change. I love that there are other musicians that humbly and honestly contribute to the performance of this song. Some of the money raised from ‘Maybe It’s Time’ is donated to Artists for Recovery. As mentioned in an earlier post, I have always been too anal to do much with drugs or alcohol and yet I completely identify with this tune. Throughout my own decades of denial and pain I have hurt others and/or made such messes out of relationships with good people. I still struggle with unintentionally hurting others as I am working to heal the old wounds. I am learning how to better control my mind and mouth and pray to be able to love others as well as myself in the way we deserve, soon. Amen.
I also raise up in prayer my friends (including you, if it’s applicable) who struggle with their addictions, as well as the artists who perform this song (and all the others). I pray that the love and strength of their Higher Power sustains them when their old habits try to lure them back. Amen.
Maybe It's Time Sixx:A.M. All the scars All the lines On my face They show the times I've abandoned my own life I can't breathe I can't eat So I'll just drink myself to sleep And embrace this more than pride But maybe it's time to heal Maybe it's time to try Maybe it's time to deal with all the pieces in my life Maybe I'll sober up Maybe before I die Maybe I'll finally deal with all the wreckage in my life I'm older now Breaking down My regrets, they turned to dust And soon enough they'll blow away When I was young I was dumb I was never strong enough I wish I had the guts to say Maybe it's time to heal Maybe it's time to try Maybe it's time to deal with all the pieces in my life Maybe I'll sober up Maybe before I die And maybe I'll finally deal with all the wreckage in my life And this was self inflicted Yea I was on a mission To ruin everything in life Now I'm so damn ready Just take my hand and steady And we will make it through the night Maybe it's time to heal And maybe it's time to try Maybe it's time to deal with all the pieces in my life And maybe I'll sober up Maybe before I die Maybe I'll finally deal with all the wreckage in my life Maybe it's time Maybe it's time Maybe it's time Songwriters: James Michael, Nikki Sixx, Darren Jay Ash
