Getting on the Exit Ramp Towards Self Love (A.K.A., Detours pt 2)

Tues. 7/20/21

(If you’re in an abusive relationship and want guidance on how to get out, helpguide.org is a website that may help you.)

Welcome! I’m hoping you’re knowing you’re an amazing person!

Have you ever made a major mistake in your life that was ongoing and wondered how/if you’d ever get out of it?

My marriage was last Tuesday’s topic (“Detours . . .”) and today’s subject is about raising the gumption to got out of it. (Thank You, God!)

First, though, several things not mentioned last week.

Dating the ex did eventually bring up some of my own issues.  

Because of all I survived I couldn’t trust him.  I was horribly insecure at times and would watch him like a hawk for confirmation of suspicions yet never confronted him when I had real reasons.  I just acted pissy without saying why and would sometimes nag the snot out of him about something unrelated to the actual problem.

When we were dating his mom laid into him when she found out he stood me up, and that because he put her in the middle of it.  (Ended up being the only time he ever stood me up!)  

Other reasons for not trusting came up when hearing him brag to his friends about stealing pricey items from the business he worked for, and when I suspected he was having affairs after we were married.  I would diligently look for signs that he was cheating when he started getting home late and would occasionally have scratches on his back. (He was a mechanic, not a lion tamer!)  He would get angry and defensive when asked (without accusation) about what happened and I could never ask him outright about infidelity. 

I chose to live in denial and it wasn’t until after the divorce that I’d allow myself to consider that some of the concerns about trust were actually well founded.  Because (subconsciously) I felt like such a victim and had no idea of what to do if I allowed myself to acknowledge the truth, I blamed myself instead for being too paranoid and over reactionary so I could dismiss whatever truth was right in front of me instead of dealing with it. 

Also, the hubby was not as brutal (towards me) as he could have been – he only ever broke the one bone mentioned in last Tuesday’s post.  

He never apologized for what he did and I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I deserved one.  

(Back then, now I know better.)

Now on to how God got me out of that mess . . .

Several years into the marriage a friend of mine, ‘A’ , gave me a business card that had phone numbers of emergency shelters for women escaping domestic violence.  I didn’t know why she did that since I’d never told her (or anyone else) what was happening.  

After the divorce ‘A’ told me she had witnessed the ex beat our dogs (she never told anyone until that point).  She also received a phone call late one night from a lady she was positive was me.  The lady was screaming in terror that her husband was going to kill her.  (This was on a landline phone that couldn’t identify the caller.)  She came to our house the next day to see if my bloodied body was somewhere inside.  It wasn’t, obviously, but she was convinced the phone call was a premonition and the attack would happen if I didn’t get out.  

To be honest, that phone call expressed how I felt about the ex.  He did have a darkness in him that was well hidden when he wanted to impress others, and I think she was beginning to recognize that darkness too. I did fear him, greatly.  

I had such a victim mentality (taking into account all that had happened to me previously) and perhaps could have left at any time since I had a car but until God intervened (which we’ll get to in a minute), I honestly didn’t think I had that choice with ex’s threats of killing me if I tried.  (I’m crying while editing this – actually feeling that exhausted, utter, hopelessness.) 

I was feeling so trapped when I started praying earnestly to God.  I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what prayer was intended for (:)) but initially the entreaties were that he’d end up in a single vehicle accident and die.  (Yikes!  No anger in that petition, eh????)  

Eventually something (perhaps God?)  led me to think, “What if he does get into a car accident, survives, and is permanently handicapped in some way.  Would I be able to leave him then, or be too concerned about what others would think and stay out of obligation?”  

That’s when the prayers changed to having the courage and smarts to leave safely. 

How this part played out was actually kinda funny.  

After praying intently for a period of time (can’t remember if it was days or weeks), I started sensing a quiet nudge in my spirit to get a Bible.  I tried to ignore it, couldn’t figure out what that had to do with anything, you know?  But that nudge was so persistent in it’s gentle way that I finally bought a larger, puffy, pretty, white St. Joseph’s Catholic Bible.  I took it home and set it on the dresser to admire every time I walked past it because I couldn’t imagine what else I was supposed to do with it!  

Didn’t take long before that gentle nudge (which I now know is Holy Spirit) seemed to be encouraging me to actually read the Bible (Say what???) Kept rejecting the idea, telling that gentle prod there was no reason to do that.  I was thinking things like, “Are you KIDDING me?  Do you know how many pages there are?  NO WAY!”, and “The words are big, I probably won’t even know what most of them mean so how could I possibly understand any of it?  NO!”  

But that beautiful Holy Spirit continued to be insistent and persistent so I finally shut up the defensive, lazy refusals and began reading Genesis, chapter one.  I really had no idea how to pronounce most of the words let alone understand what they meant, but I s-l-o-w-l-y kept at it anyway.  

It took three years to read the Bible completely, and when I was about half way through that sweet voice of Spirit started whispering, “It’s time”.  

This enough for today,  I will continue the narrative next Tuesday.  I will put up something creative this Friday and will be glad to meet with you again for those posts.  In the meantime, please take good care of you, you deserve it.   

I remembered this Kansas song, “Hold On”, just a couple days ago and still love and need it now.  It’s such beautiful encouragement, and it describes so well what I must’ve been sensing in my spirit while impatiently trying to figure out how to leave the ex.  And I don’t know about you, but it’s encouragement I dearly need now while working, and waiting, impatiently for the breakthrough that’s healing my heart so I receive and give generously, genuine love to those who want it.  

I hope you’re encouraged by “Hold On” too.  If you feel you could use more encouragement or prayer for whatever you may be dealing with, please let me know.  I pray for my blog readers in general, and would be glad to pray for something specific for you if you want.

"Hold On" 
by Kansas

Look in the mirror and tell me
Just what you see
What have the years of your life
Taught you to be
Innocence dyin' in so many ways
Things that you dream of are lost
Lost in the haze

[Chorus]
Hold on, Baby Hold on
'Cause it's closer than you think
And you're standing on the brink
Hold on, Baby Hold on
'Cause there's something on the way
Your tomorrow's not the same as today

Don't you recall what you felt
When you weren't alone
Someone who stood by your side
A face you have known
Where do you run when it's too much to bear
Who do you turn to in need
When nobody's there

[Chorus]

Outside your door He is waiting
Waiting for you
Sooner or later you know
He's got to come through
No hesitation and no holding back
Let it all go and you'll know
You're on the right track

[Chorus]

- c. Kerry Livgren, Kansas