10/25/26
Hi Mortal Angel –
I hope you’re doing ok?
Have you ever doubted God’s justice and love for you, and others?
The last post was a quick one asking for prayer for a pain and bitterness that was overtaking me. It had occurred to me that for all the abuses I’ve been through there had never been any justice served.
Or, so I thought.
Didn’t think I could confidently turn to God for any answers since it’s Him I ‘should’ve’ been able to trust to deliver it to begin with.
In love, here’s what He taught me, via quite a few people who spoke for Him when I could no longer hear . . .
After reading the Biblical Book of Psalms for several weeks the sword of The Word has been slowly, increasingly, piercing my heart. It’s now twisting excruciatingly as it occurs to me how often it promises God brings justice for those He loves.
Adding to the assumption my wounded heart is conjuring up, I’ve also had the honor of listening to several survivors’ disclosures recently. Their abuses ended by reaching out to a trustworthy adult, the adults actually listened, and their mortal saviors intervened on their behalf. The perpetrators were caught and sent to jail while the survivors found safe places to land with people who genuinely loved them.
As I gently listen to them with genuine empathy, jealousy leaps to my defense while shame multiples as it acknowledges its guilt for wanting to snarl at the speaker: “Don’t you know how lucky you are? You had people who cared! They intervened for you, made sure justice was served on your behalf, gave you a safe place to land, and tried to offset what happened to you with healing love and care. You don’t have a right to be so traumatized still!”
Yeah, not the best internal reaction, for sure. So grateful to be healed enough to see that growing flash of bitterness for what it is – a gaping, unhealed, puss filled emotional wound. Thankfully that awareness stopped me spewing it on the innocent over-comers.
This is the culmination of a long brewing, self-inflicted spiritual crisis based on the belief: If The Bible repeatedly assures us God brings justice to those He loves, and the amazing survivors I’m talking with prove it’s true, then what does it say about me and all the others who apparently were never considered worthy of His protection and defense?
And it really sucks when the only Being I’ve been learning to trust as much as I do, believe He genuinely loves me, consistently shows up for me, and Who thinks more lovingly about me than any mortal ever could, suddenly becomes the enemy? I can’t turn to Him for the answers and comfort now.
This is not the first time this particular ‘crisis of faith’ has hit, but it is the most convincing, painful, and threatening. So I went on a quest to find some hopeful answers; I would hate it if I worked for several decades to heal from hell and to turn a heart of stone to flesh only to end up being so damned bitter after all.
I asked some friends, pastors I respect, brought it up in my Life Recovery Bible study group, wrote to a well known Christian ministry, and even spat it at God repeatedly with accusation and tears. What I’m learning in an increasingly deeper level is God truly never leaves nor forsakes us, even when we make him the object of our pain and rage.
First, He provided the friends who prayed for me, and offered their perspectives as to how God shows His love to those He calls His own. I appreciated what they said. I tried to take their wisdom to heart but I was too full of angst for it to penetrate, so their love and insight sat in a ring outside of it.
‘Living on the Edge’, the Christian ministry I contacted, sent me another thoughtful reply. I had posed questions about justice to them several months ago when this vortex of doubt first tried to suck me in. Back then the respondent so thoughtfully pulled scripture verses and chapters to address each specific doubt I had. This time parts of her response were: “. . .Your pain does not mean you are unloved. It means you are human, and you are in the middle of a process. I’ve found that when life feels like a raw deal, our anger toward God is often just our grief looking for a place to land. I know that God’s goodness is not defined by the justice we see in this world. He is with you in the dark, even when the perpetrators walk free. You are not alone in this . . .”
Coupled that with my spiritual advisor’s ego busting immediate response when I told him God must not love me, and so many others, if He’s not bringing justice for us: “You mean, He’s not loving you in the way you think He should.” Owwwwch! 🙂
Those two perspectives began to open my heart back up, with more tears softening the callousness of it so that circle of wisdom the friends imparted started seeping in. And God’s love has continued to chase me down, healing and defending my broken spirit even when I wasn’t noticing it, as well as in obvious ways I can’t miss.
As I continued the quest for understanding, parts of my mentor’s nonjudgemental response were: “. . . it’s good to get all that out. The Lord can handle all this and more.” “ . . . It wasn’t fair, and pure evil . . . This world with sin is so sad . . . the Bible does promise to defend and bring justice but without how and when. Or, even in this lifetime.” “I think God allows us to get to these points so we continue to be honest with Him to get all that stuff out. It’s like venom to us. We can’t bottle it in or try to stay busy to avoid it. Sometimes He says: “I see this pain and I’ll let it rise to get it out.” And, “He’s giving you permission to be angry about this and sad and ask Him big questions . . . “
He continues to bring the answers at my Life Recovery Bible study. The ratio of men to women is from 5:1 to 8:1, and at times I’ve been the only female there with 20 – 30 men. I am so uncomfortable, so hyper-vigilant that it only takes someone turning a page too loudly to provoke a physical ‘startle’ reaction, and it’ll happen dozens of times through out a meeting. But I’m also seeing real, imperfect men who are serious about changing their lives give vulnerable testimonies of things they’ve done they’re ashamed of, and are now learning to do better. These men support and hug each other, let each other cry if needed, exchange heartfelt words of love, and don’t judge.
One of the pastor-leaders has made it his mission to constantly remind me who I Am in God’s eyes by consistently calling me “Pearl of great value”, and he frequently shows me scripture that reinforces how much God loves all of us. Another leader recently apologized to another lady and myself for all men had done to us. He knew we were never going to get the apologies we deserve so he made it a point to do it in their stead. I’m amazed at what a difference that makes; it’s still seeping into my heart.
When I speak up the men listen without judgement for me, too. (As an added bonus, they get my sense of humor, too!:)) Someone will walk any ladies out to our cars afterward to help us feel safe, and they all treat us with respect. A couple of them have offered their numbers if and when I need to talk, or even to help with handyman type issues around the abode. Aside from the pastors I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable talking with any of the other men one on one, but it’s amazing how healing it is when a few men who have nothing to gain from me, teach me through consistent encouragement, assurances and actions what my value is. And I’m increasingly able to see it outside of this protective bubble, too.
It’s not as if there’s never been other men who’ve tried to show they valued me. But my mind wasn’t prepared the times a great guy was suddenly ‘here’, and there wasn’t a way to connect in the moments when I was prepared. So I quit reaching out overtly, but I’ve haven’t let go. I think that’s good though because it means, in my surrender of the situation to God instead of complete severing of the situation in snap moments of pain and it’s protector, anger; and/or regret if I’ve hurt them in ways they never deserved, I haven’t buried all the positive I’ve gained from knowing them underneath the negative. What I learn from him is now being supplemented by what God is doing for me through these platonic relationships.
Several early decades of life lessons learned via all the trafficking/child sexually abusive material/abusive relationships created a soul that couldn’t imagine otherwise for the next couple decades. My heart and mind are finally learning my worth isn’t based in a ‘who cares who she is as long as she knows where her nose goes’ kinda way. I’m finally ‘getting’, deep into my heart, mind, soul and spirit, my intrinsic God given worth can be respected by the right people, even men. I’ve been believing and saying this for a few years now; I think my heart and mind are finally catching up.
All of this is helping me to forgive the perpetrators more as they are no longer the only major male force and influences in my life, so I’m being set free from their lies and bullshit.
And maybe, this is the best God given justice I could never think to ask for.
Have been listening to “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns on repeat lately. With recovering from a bout of covid I’ve been able to to imagine this a lot since there’ve been times haven’t had a whole lotta energy to do much else. † God is Good; so grateful for all the ways we can be reminded of this when we are able to see them.
Just a side note pertaining to this whole justice thing. While talking with a friend about this we came up with a way for me to make an effort on my own behalf, instead of waiting for someone to do it for me so many years ago. It’s amazing how these kinds of things can wallow in our subconscious for decades waiting for resolution. We’re meeting tomorrow to do something (lawful!:)) that both terrifies me and will help me to see, I do have power over the past neglect after all. She’ll be there to support me, thank God!
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