Monday 11/16/20
This post could contain triggers for some
Little Pearl (LP) – Me, from infant – 7 years old. Elder Pearl (EP) – Me, at current age
(Pease see ‘Cast of Characters in My Mind’ tab on home page, or “Dissociation” post dated 10/14/20 for full explanation)
Welcome back! I hope you had some good moments over the past couple of days?
Little Pearl has more she’d like for me to share with you . . .
So much transpired during LP’s years. I don’t remember how often the abuse occurred, whether it was on a regular basis or a few random acts over the course of several years. I’ve always had a hard time accepting what I already knew had happened let alone acknowledging there was more that had yet to be uncovered.
Several years ago I had just started attending the church I go to now. They were putting together a church directory with individual photos of the members and wanted the congregants to sign up to have their pictures taken for it. Because of the child sexually explicit material ‘events’ survived I hate having my picture taken, but hoping to feel a part of this new church family became more important so I signed up.
As the day neared for the photography session the more anxious I became and the harder it was to sleep, etc.. My emotions were ‘whiplashing’ more than usual. Then on the morning of the appointment after I awoke but before I got up a waking nightmare began. It was like a reel of film started to slowly project images across my mind. It was going slow enough that I could see each frame was a different scenario of the abuse during LP’s era, but fast enough that I couldn’t make out the details. Not sure how many frames there were, maybe ten or so. The feelings that hit me were so intense, the complete and total lack of control, the terror, shame, rage, hopelessness, helplessness, desolation, guilt. I started sobbing so hard and it took quite a while to calm down. I have not yet fully remembered each of the moments of abuse that were brought up in that incident.
Just recently I was at a place called Onsite Workshops in Tennessee. Onsite is where people can go for intense 6 day workshops or 4 day individual intensives to work on whatever emotional issues they have that keep them from living a full life. I went to a six day workshop then a 4 day intensive right after it. The goal was to push myself past the barriers that keep me from delving deeper into the past wounds because I want to heal more so I can love better and experience life in a more positive way. I had asked the therapist, ‘H’, at the workshop to push me, and he did. After several nights deep feelings of shame and that sense of hell became intense but no new memories popped up until I was doing the individual with a different therapist, ‘D’. Usually memories come back at night or when I’m alone because I don’t trust people to ‘have my back’ in such a vulnerable moment.
When I was with D one morning I was getting so agitated. I was sitting on the floor and wanted to start knocking my head on the wall in back of me but D said if I did that then we’d have to stop working, and I just now realized what that did for me. She proved I was safe – she wasn’t going to let me hurt myself, and that let me know she wouldn’t hurt me, either. (I’m actually crying over this realization. Thank you, D.) Then several partial memories came up. I had hoped that the hell that had already been remembered, what was written about in last Monday’s post (Continuation of Little Pearl’s Years, ‘Still Innocent’, dated 11/9/20) would have been the worse that had happened, but no, not really. And that just . . . I don’t know, there are no words to describe how deep the pain and horror of that realization goes. One of the new memories was something that was written about in ‘Still Innocent’, about there being a live audience watching while I was being annihilated (“Rows of folding chairs placed just so to watch . . . “), but this time there were the sounds of the ‘hooting and hollering’. And another memory was about how I was treated by the main perpetrators after a ‘show’, and oh my God, let’s just say there was no concern for my well being at all, no regrets on their part. I still have a hard time comprehending that now.
I honestly don’t know how I could have lived through everything on my own at such a vulnerable age and size, which is why I have such a strong belief in God/Jesus/angels. I do believe I was sustained by the love of Someone who is far more powerful than all the forces of evil that were against me. He didn’t rescue me from the hell, but He got me through it – there’s no way I would’ve survived otherwise. I’m not saying I never get angry at God (more on that later) and never question anything nor ask ‘why’, but I’ve tried to counter that with ‘why not me?’ What leads me to believe I should be one of very few people in this world that survive without trauma or drama? God knows, I never asked for what happened and I have to accept it. I would never be able to work through and heal from the abuse otherwise, and as uncomfortable as it is to do this work, I’m worthy of the effort it takes.
Thank you, H & D, for taking such good care of Little Pearl.
I look forward to meeting with you again on Wednesday.
Today’s song is “The Hurt and the Healer” by Mercy Me. I love this song – it soothes my heart and spirit when I get to feeling too much. I hope you get some kind of comfort from it, too, if you need it.
The Hurt & The Healer MercyMe Why? The question that is never far away The healing doesn't come from the explained Jesus please don't let this go in vain You're all I have All that remains So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I fall into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Breathe Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I fall into your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide. It's the moment when humanity Is overcome by majesty When grace is ushered in for good And all our scars are understood When mercy takes its rightful place And all these questions fade away When out of the weakness we must bow And hear You say "It's over now" I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take this heart and breathe it back to life I fall into your arms open wide When The hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here Songwriters: Robby Shaffer, Nathan Cochran, Jim Bryson, Mike Scheuchzer, Barry Graul, Bart Marshall Millard
